Equestria Girls- Why It’s Bad (by Jroddie)

I know some people may really like Equestria Girls. I can never understand how those people think or how bad their lives are to make them think that something like this is enjoyable. For me, it’s not the fact that this is actually happening that’s the upsetting part. It’s the fact that Hasbro is letting it happen.

Most of us have known for a while now that the entire world is ran by people that make money. If you don’t have money, well, better luck next time. But the people that do have the money always want more of it. And this is how they do it:

  • Find Idea
  • Sell it
  • Sell more of it
  • Sell it again
  • Rebrand it
  • Sell it until people stop buying it

I’m not joking, this is literally how this works. This is what happened with New Coke. The executives thought ‘Why don’t we make the drink taste like baby medicine and vomit, but with an extreme sugary kick? People will love it!’. When people didn’t love it, the Coca-Cola corporation didn’t do anything. The company actually sold the product knowing that people hated it. But when Coke stopped selling like it used to, they yanked that stuff off of the shelves so fast you could hear the comic sound effects. Executives don’t care what they put out as long as it sells. Their company could sell arsenic-flavored ball gags for asthmatic newborns, but they wouldn’t care as long as they made money off of it. This is exactly how it happens at Hasbro, too. For those of you that don’t know, Hasbro gets the bulk of their profits from selling toys. Almost every single show on the Hub is a glorified commercial. If you own anything that has a Transformer, Pony, Pound Puppy, Strawberry Shortcake thing, you’ve helped a Hasbro corporate up-and-up to pay for his vacation loft on the Upper West side. Walk into a Wal-Mart toy section and try to find a toy that doesn’t have a Hasbro logo on it. Other than Lego and Disney, Hasbro doesn’t have a whole lot of competition in the ‘shopping outlet’ department. They push product in places like that like they pushed rope into your mom last night. Most people that walk into a Wal-Mart with intentions of buying a toy are not only awful parents, but they totally didn’t even plan it. They remembered that Little Suzie is having her holiday of choice today, and they need to get a present for the little tyke. They can’t handle the little kid bugging them all day long because they didn’t get a present from Dad. So they go to Walmart, pick a pink thing from a shelf without even looking at it and gladly fork over any amount of money so that their child can continue loving them. That’s not what Hasbro is in business for. If you own a MLP ‘action figure’ (Now with zero points of articulation!), shirt, shoe, backpack, bracelet, plastic doohickey, nipple clamp, or pair of sunglasses that you bought because you watched the show, you’re Hasbro’s target market. People that watch the show that buy the crap. THAT’S WHY THE SHOW EXISTS! Hasbro would be a group of cro-magnon idiots trying to make dirt taste better right now if it wasn’t for the television shows. Let’s be honest. If it wasn’t for the show that we all know and love, you wouldn’t want to be caught dead inside of the ‘pink aisle’ at your local store. But you do, and they have won. This emphasis on profit that has ruled the western world and your purchasing habits since time immemorial. Now we know what it’s like to be the vocal minority for New Coke. Hasbro is stepping on us with this movie, and it’s going to be horrendous. Which brings up the fact that it  won’t make any sense. Let’s do a quick breakdown of what the actual trailer tells us.

Twilight walks through a mirror that you can apparently walk through

Turns into some awful combination of pony and human

Meets some hot love interest at High School

Tries to oust queen bitch for the Fall dance-around

Her dog wants to get it on with a ‘person’

Finds her crown that somehow mysteriously appears, which I also assume is her only way back to the land of ponies.

Now, imagine this. Just close your eyes and say what you just read. Think about it, mull it over, read it again. Now, let’s be honest with each other. It sounds like an awful fanfic. An awful fanfic. I wouldn’t want to read this if it involved monetary reward. One of the first things that I found wrong with this is that Twilight somehow goes to High School. Last time I checked, Twilight was crowned as royalty, flying off into the sunset and singing about how nothing could go wrong. Also, last time I checked, royalty in Equestria had important things to do, like keep the sun and the moon from crashing into each other or house-sitting for Superman.

I mean, if a deity has to go to High School, what is wrong with the world? I’m pretty sure that we won’t make Jesus or Buddha go to vo-tech. But, that’s not the only thing wrong with this. The one major problem that I’ll touch on is the love interest. I’m not saying that this is bad, but this will be awful. From what I can see, Equestria Girls has made the leap from empowered female characters that face complex challenges to a story about a girl that wants to be prom queen. In addition to being regular queen.  I feel that this is a very sharp drop off from trying to help a friend save a business from being lost in a bet, or defeating a past enemy that has enslaved your entire town. The thing that made the TV show so great is that it didn’t rely on romance or anything like that. The characters had to carry the show on their back, and it was good. But this is the other end of the storytelling spectrum. All in all, I’m looking down on M.A. Larson and Megan McCarthy and all of the other write staff for MLP for even being associated with this complete trash. I could sit here and tell you how bad I expect Equestria Girls to be for just about ever, but my boss told me to cut it short. Until next time.

 

10 Comments
  1. This is undoubtedly the best pony related news article I have ever read. Totally expresses my feelings in a much more detailed, eloquent way.

  2. Even if I’m pro-EG it’s nice to read a constructive and intelligent post from the sceptical side finally, good job with it – the last one I read attempted to claim the EG humans had hooves and hair down to their feet which made it obvious the article author didn’t even bother to watch the trailer before deciding to rant about how Hasbro ruined her childhood.. =_(\

    Anyway, the reason I post is because the pony/human statement doesn’t sit very well with me based on the more varied skin colors alone. I mean, is the ponies of our real world multi-colored? FiM’s and EG’s worlds is just two mirror worlds where the sentient beings of each, one being pony, the other being human, is just a bit more colorful than we’re used to from our own – it really shouldn’t make them a mixed species.

    • I know that they’re not human, and I was using the term ‘pony’ to describe the ponies in the TV show. Also, they do sort of look like people, so I took the liberty to blenderize them together.

  3. soo, it’s ok for spike to have an inter-species crush when its a dragon and a pony, but human and dog is ridiculous… that’s actually kind of racist in the purest form.

    all that aside, mlp fim IS a re-branding already, if you have so much bile for the little…alteration they’re making you might have spoken up when g4 came out too, the way i see it, they’ve got an interesting idea, and I’m all aboard to see how this kids show I like turns out this time. I’m shocked at how much only negative feedback for this I see day to day, especially since the product isn’t even out yet. maybe actually SEE something before judging it eh? and I’m not just saying that cause cosplay will be a LOT easier with them all human..ifyed.. I expect this rendition to be funny and charming as the fim version of mlp was. I can’t wait to see it to find out if it actually is. I just wish our fandom that is considered internally to be one of friendliness and acceptance would stop belittling itself over this one issue so horridly, just makes us all look like whiny little trolls from those who already hate us for liking kids things, so idk, maybe shush up till it comes out guys/gals. that is all.

  4. It’s ok with me if you don’t like Equestria Girls. You can like (or not like) whatever you want. But I think you should respect other people’s interests. If you feel different than I do about MLP, that’s fine. But there is no reason to insult us just because you don’t like the show.
    Most of us have a perfectly happy life, and I DO NOT think watching MLP will affect that.
    Maybe you should give the show another chance before posting stuff like this.
    Thanks.

    • We did try to create a view from both sides of the argument, to be fair. There were a lot more hostile opinions of the show at the time compared to Jrod’s *slightly* tongue-in-cheek approach. Good to see that you’re happy with the film though!

  5. It seems that everybody threw a hissy fit over this movie for nothing. I just watched it and as somebody who was also dreading its existence I found it to be rather enjoyable. The movie did not center around boys and dating and other frivolous things like other similar franchises such as Bratz, but actually was able to retain the true spirit and feeling of the My Little Pony Television series. The plot was believable and flowed nicely. Each of the characters were depicted accurately, and the message was as positive and endearing as any other in MLP. So before any of you degrade the film or bash it just go over to EQD and click on the link to watch it yourself. You might find it enjoyable as I did.

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