I know some people may really like Equestria Girls. I can never understand how those people think or how bad their lives are to make them think that something like this is enjoyable. For me, it’s not the fact that this is actually happening that’s the upsetting part. It’s the fact that Hasbro is letting it happen.
Most of us have known for a while now that the entire world is ran by people that make money. If you don’t have money, well, better luck next time. But the people that do have the money always want more of it. And this is how they do it:
- Find Idea
- Sell it
- Sell more of it
- Sell it again
- Rebrand it
- Sell it until people stop buying it
I’m not joking, this is literally how this works. This is what happened with New Coke. The executives thought ‘Why don’t we make the drink taste like baby medicine and vomit, but with an extreme sugary kick? People will love it!’. When people didn’t love it, the Coca-Cola corporation didn’t do anything. The company actually sold the product knowing that people hated it. But when Coke stopped selling like it used to, they yanked that stuff off of the shelves so fast you could hear the comic sound effects. Executives don’t care what they put out as long as it sells. Their company could sell arsenic-flavored ball gags for asthmatic newborns, but they wouldn’t care as long as they made money off of it. This is exactly how it happens at Hasbro, too. For those of you that don’t know, Hasbro gets the bulk of their profits from selling toys. Almost every single show on the Hub is a glorified commercial. If you own anything that has a Transformer, Pony, Pound Puppy, Strawberry Shortcake thing, you’ve helped a Hasbro corporate up-and-up to pay for his vacation loft on the Upper West side. Walk into a Wal-Mart toy section and try to find a toy that doesn’t have a Hasbro logo on it. Other than Lego and Disney, Hasbro doesn’t have a whole lot of competition in the ‘shopping outlet’ department. They push product in places like that like they pushed rope into your mom last night. Most people that walk into a Wal-Mart with intentions of buying a toy are not only awful parents, but they totally didn’t even plan it. They remembered that Little Suzie is having her holiday of choice today, and they need to get a present for the little tyke. They can’t handle the little kid bugging them all day long because they didn’t get a present from Dad. So they go to Walmart, pick a pink thing from a shelf without even looking at it and gladly fork over any amount of money so that their child can continue loving them. That’s not what Hasbro is in business for. If you own a MLP ‘action figure’ (Now with zero points of articulation!), shirt, shoe, backpack, bracelet, plastic doohickey, nipple clamp, or pair of sunglasses that you bought because you watched the show, you’re Hasbro’s target market. People that watch the show that buy the crap. THAT’S WHY THE SHOW EXISTS! Hasbro would be a group of cro-magnon idiots trying to make dirt taste better right now if it wasn’t for the television shows. Let’s be honest. If it wasn’t for the show that we all know and love, you wouldn’t want to be caught dead inside of the ‘pink aisle’ at your local store. But you do, and they have won. This emphasis on profit that has ruled the western world and your purchasing habits since time immemorial. Now we know what it’s like to be the vocal minority for New Coke. Hasbro is stepping on us with this movie, and it’s going to be horrendous. Which brings up the fact that it won’t make any sense. Let’s do a quick breakdown of what the actual trailer tells us.
Twilight walks through a mirror that you can apparently walk through
Turns into some awful combination of pony and human
Meets some hot love interest at High School
Tries to oust queen bitch for the Fall dance-around
Her dog wants to get it on with a ‘person’
Finds her crown that somehow mysteriously appears, which I also assume is her only way back to the land of ponies.
Now, imagine this. Just close your eyes and say what you just read. Think about it, mull it over, read it again. Now, let’s be honest with each other. It sounds like an awful fanfic. An awful fanfic. I wouldn’t want to read this if it involved monetary reward. One of the first things that I found wrong with this is that Twilight somehow goes to High School. Last time I checked, Twilight was crowned as royalty, flying off into the sunset and singing about how nothing could go wrong. Also, last time I checked, royalty in Equestria had important things to do, like keep the sun and the moon from crashing into each other or house-sitting for Superman.
I mean, if a deity has to go to High School, what is wrong with the world? I’m pretty sure that we won’t make Jesus or Buddha go to vo-tech. But, that’s not the only thing wrong with this. The one major problem that I’ll touch on is the love interest. I’m not saying that this is bad, but this will be awful. From what I can see, Equestria Girls has made the leap from empowered female characters that face complex challenges to a story about a girl that wants to be prom queen. In addition to being regular queen. I feel that this is a very sharp drop off from trying to help a friend save a business from being lost in a bet, or defeating a past enemy that has enslaved your entire town. The thing that made the TV show so great is that it didn’t rely on romance or anything like that. The characters had to carry the show on their back, and it was good. But this is the other end of the storytelling spectrum. All in all, I’m looking down on M.A. Larson and Megan McCarthy and all of the other write staff for MLP for even being associated with this complete trash. I could sit here and tell you how bad I expect Equestria Girls to be for just about ever, but my boss told me to cut it short. Until next time.