Why Hearts and Hooves day is terrifying

Hearts and Hooves day is probably the scariest thing that MLP has ever created to date. No, really. Yes, scarier than Too Many Pinkie Pies. Yes, scarier than M.A. Larson. Yes, even scarier than tennis pony. It’s not that the actual content of the episode that was scary- All in all, that was rather tame. It’s the implications of the episode that made it pretty freaky for me. I’ve composed a list of all the problematic stuff in this episode, and I would like to share it with you.

1) The CMC don’t have any restraint.

In the opening scene, the CMC display a trait that allows the episode to happen. They say, “Just a little bit more lace,” and “It could use just a little bit more glitter,” And what do they do? Toss the whole roll of lace into the air and empty the entire bucket of glitter.

 

 

This is why they end up destroying half of the entire town and barricading a lovesick mare inside of a wedding dress shop. They even uproot Berry Punch and her happy home, nearly destroy an entire boutique, AND almost create a sea of nuclear fire in the middle of Ponyville. Because they just don’t know that enough is enough.

2) Twilight is extremely careless

Let’s pretend that we’re Twilight for a moment. Walking down the street, reading your book about Hearts and Hooves day because you’re so lonely. Suddenly, you run into these three little whippersnappers that want to know more about a love potion. Of course, you indulge their curiosity. But when you see this,

All bets are off. Have a good day, girls, Twilight has to go home, look at her firefighter calendar and cry herself to sleep. Right? Wrong. Twilight happily gives them the book, and then tries to give them another book before they just run off. Now, Twilight, you’re just being a little silly goose today, aren’t you? You’ve given three little fillies that are clearly up to no good instructions on how to destabilize any country, with anecdotal evidence to boot! Twilight is lucky that they only wanted to get a farmer and a teacher together. They could have wanted to get Celestia and a Lobster together if they really wanted to. From what I understand from the episode, it just has to have eyes. I mean, you could get two dogs together if you really wanted to. Or even two potatoes, if you could find the creative license to do it with.

3) Jelly

The jelly pony. We all know him. Just a guy, chilling out in an enormous jar of jelly. If we ignore the fact that he was only placed in the episode because jelly rhymed with something else in the song, this is very strange. Do ponies just relax in jelly jars out in public? What’s going on here? Is this jelly meant for equine consumption? Is the equine meant for jelly consumption? If they ever make a box set director’s cut of MLP, I’m gonna want to hear the commentary on this.

4) Big MacIntosh

This is the most freaky part of the whole episode.  Big Mac is probably the most dangerous thing ever at all. Let me show an example. The average apple tree can expect to yield about one bushel of apples. That bushel of apples weighs about 42 pounds, and contains about 128 medium-sized apples. Big MacIntosh kicks an apple tree with ONE LEG and receives the equivalent of nine bushels of apples. This pony goes on to carry the 378 pounds of apples on his back, and he’s not even breaking a sweat. Not only is he carrying all of those apples, he’s also carrying one of those heaping bushels using only his neck!

I am become Mac, the destroyer of trees

I did the research here, and it takes about 50 pounds of pressure to break a neck. Big Mac is carrying 126 pounds using only his neck and neck muscles. I know we’ve all heard about the pony presentation that shows that Applejack should be made out of dark matter, but maybe there’s something in the water over at Sweet Apple Acres. I mean, either the apple trees are consistently yielding world-record crops, or Big Mac is kicking biological impossibilities out of the trees. But, Big Mac is a normal pony in other regards, right? Right?

Wrong.

Holy crap. This guy’s pulling entire houses out of their foundations. Plumbing and all. Not only is that the strongest rope ever made, that’s also the strongest pony ever made. Not only did he tow the Punch Homestead, but he also towed two oxen, a wagon, and seven anvils.  An anvil weighs about 500 pounds, and a prime ox weighs close to 3000 pounds. But Big Mac isn’t just pulling oxen and some anvils. Big Mac is pulling anvils and oxen that are trying to escape. That means that Mac has to not only pull the weight of all the anvils and the oxen, he also has to counteract the force of the oxen pulling in the opposite direction. Although, he was cleverly stopped by a hole in the ground, unable to launch himself into the exosphere using his superior strength.

Pictured:  The next step in pony evolution

Now, I’ll give him some slack. He’s probably all doped up on love drugs. Cheerilee, a pony famed for her not-breaking things and her general not going fast, Jesse-Owened her way through Sugarcube Corner, leaving behind a dissapointed Ms. Cake and a door that was forever changed.

They were going to get married, though. That was the most worrying thing of all. This hulking, red, kinky behemoth was about to get hitched to a delicate schoolmarm from a small backwater hamlet. Now, we’re all adults here. We’ve all spent lonely nights perusing the less fashionable websites that the internet has to offer. The websites that cater to ‘adult’ interests. So we’re no stranger to what happens inside (and often outside) of marriage.  Big Mac was gonna rip that booty up. This is what makes the episode so frightening for me. Big Mac could have thrusted so hard that his atoms could have been in the same place as cheerilee’s, causing a nuclear explosion in the middle of Ponyville. It’s kind of like trying to park a Hummer inside of a parking garage, but you can’t find a spot that’s the right size. So you fold up your mirrors and scoot your way in, suddenly accelerating to superluminal speeds and destroying the entire city in a horrific ball of ungodly fire. Imagine that, but back at her place. All the ponies would think it strange that there’s a purple and red mushroom cloud above their town before they get completely vaporized to death. That’s what could have happened if the CMC weren’t courageous enough to fix the mistake that was entirely their fault for creating.

3 Comments
  1. I personally would have to say this one I agree with more, mainly cause of how I never really put much thought into how strong/ destructive Big Mac really is during this episode until you pointed it out and the jelly guy does come off as a bit creepy even in the context of that song. I will say though that the episode still is kind of heartwarming for me, ignoring the whole forced relationship part anyway.

  2. Was it just me or in the beginning of the CMC song, when Sweetie Belle was singing about the too old pony, did there appear to be a funeral going on?

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