The Weekend Reader – December 8th, 2013

yes

This week, EMF ventures into Daring Do!

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EMF discovers whether the tome of internal darkness claim more ponies to its-wait, no, never mind
- EMF Scootaloo

I have a sore throat today. Also, yesterday I declared that I had a crush on somebody and they seem to have taken it moderately well. In addition, I beat X-COM: Enemy Unknown (everyone must now comment about Ingrid Berg – Saver of Humens). Unfortunately, I’m bored. Which is why I’m doing this at 7pm instead of 8pm or 9pm.

Anyway, Daring Do has been one of my favourite minor ponies since she was introduced. I mean, she’s basically pony Indiana Jones. She escapes everything. She has brains and can handle herself in a fight too. She’s awesome! And while the recent episode wasn’t as incredible as the first three of the season (at least, in my opinion), it was still a damn good episode. Though I’m sure over on /pony/ on either MLPchan or Ponychan they’re going to be kicking up a fuss about how the widely-perceived view that Daring’s appearance is from Dash projecting herself into the character is now moot.

Also, have a gander at this:

trails

These are the maps from the episode laid over the official map of Equestria. So apparently Daring lives pretty close to Vanhoover, and Mexico is damn close to the Frozen North.

I mean, what?

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Our fanfic today (chosen because it’s a reasonable amount of words and not SIXTY THOUSAND OF THEM) is a Tragedy/Random/Crossover/Adventure story titled ‘Daring Cry’ and is by Borsuq. The ‘short description’ is very different to the actual description, and I’ll add it in here:

‘Separeted from her friends, lost on a mysterious island, one mare must fight pirates, and tigers, and sharks and (I assume) smoke monsters, in order to save her friends who are trapped and probably are gonna be slaves or something, I don’t even’

I’m not sure whether to call Tomb Raider or LOST here. So I’ll do neither! Yay. Also, ‘separeted’ is not a word, Borsuq. Sorry to burst your bubble.

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Our first and only chapter, ‘Make a break for it’, begins with a short backstory to stop me from referencing Talking Heads.

Apparently Daring Do came to Ponynesia (cue groan from audience) with her younger sister Star Do, her older brother Shang Tsung Kombat Do, Scorpion Kombat Do’s girlfriend Daisy Shine, and their friends Tripping Joe (the obvious drug addict) and Lilydrop. They went there to celebrate Star joining the Wonderbolts. They partied and they partied and they drank and they partied some more. What’s with these fanfics and Daring Do drinking, anyway?

They see a speedboat in the distance and think nothing of it. It isn’t until they get ambushed by diamond dogs in the jungle that they realise IT’S A TRAP.

Daring has trouble remembering what happened after that, but she remembers being knocked out. Now she’s inside a cage, has her front hooves tied above her head and is gagged. Also both her wings are broken. She looks across and sees that her brother is there too. This is starting to sound like an OLD TEXT ADVENTURE GAME. What do you do?

>_

Before the player can do anything, however, Daring Do is approached by a pony-looking thing whom she quickly likens to a half-zebra nutjob. He also apparently has the party’s documents, and reads out that Daring and Sub-Zero Kombat are from Los Pegasus. He also implies that he’s going to sell them to the highest bigger. So they’ve been enslaved. Nice.

Aaaaand then the weird zebra thing attempts to touch her private parts! Hooray! Let’s all put up notices saying WARNING: MAY CONTAIN RELATIVELY SEXUAL THINGUMMIES and listen to 90s Sonic tell us how to respond!

Unfortunately, Daring can’t exactly GET OUTTA THERE. However, Liu Kang Kombat decides to intervene by growling. So then the evil guy goes over to him and is all like ‘I’M THE ONE WITH THE [MALE SEXUAL ORGAN] SHUT UP BISCUIT’.

…ewwww.

And then the zebra guy calls Daring Do ‘hermana’ and all of a sudden I’m reading his voice like it’s Cesar Vialpando’s and I’m no longer taking this seriously.

Suddenly a unicorn appears with some diamond dogs; the same ones who ambushed Daring. He calls the zebra guy ‘Vas’, but screw that, I’m calling him Cesar now. He then tells him to stop ‘scarring’ the prisoners. Actually, ‘scarred’ has been used instead of ‘scared’ in this fanfic once before this, so I guess I have justification for this:

scarry

They all leave, and Reptile Kombat magically frees himself and Daring. Apparently it’s royal guard training. They trick the guard that they left to guard them (Daring expresses shock that Johnny Cage Kombat killed the guy) and go get their stuff from the storage shack that they come across. Daring finds three bodies in there with their throats and almost vomits, but thankfully her brother is there to calm her down.

Daring Do is officially ten times the pony that LittlePip is. Though to be fair, LittlePip was in quite a different situation…

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AND THEN IN THE NEXT SCENE KOMBAT JUST ABRUPTLY GETS SHOT BY CESAR AND DIES IN THE SPACE OF LIKE FIVE SECONDS.

THROAT SHOTS.

DO NOT KILL.

THAT FAST.

I AM SORRY IF THIS IS NEWS TO YOU.

So Daring stares death in the face and it’s hinted that it would be very easy now to just kill Daring. Or rape her and then kill her. Uh… Borsuq? Why are you so obsessed with non-consensual sexual actions? I mean, this is getting pretty crazy…

Anyway, Cesar lets Daring run off into the jungle because he respects her for having guts. What follows also seems to happen in five seconds, so I’m going to do it all in this paragraph: The diamond dogs give chase, so Daring runs, but one tackles her, but she stabs him in the throat, but then she finds A MOTHERTRUCKING BEAR, but then she jumps into a river and passes out. The end!

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Unfortunately, it’s unlikely we’re going to get a second chapter for this. It was last updated on Christmas Eve last year. No fanfic can stay like that for that long and expect to come out the other side.

So I’ll analyse what we’ve got here.

Plot: This is a crossover. However, I don’t know what it’s crossed over with, so I can’t rate this.

Characters: Noob Saibot Kombat?

Daring: Stronger stomach than LittlePip.

Goro Kombat: Sonya Blade Kombat? Really?

Spelling and Grammar: Eh, it’s alright, I guess. Not perfect, but better than some.

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Alright, done. I hope this satisfies you all. Also, Daring Do is, like, seventh best pony.

Story: ‘Daring Cry’
Author: Borsuq
Genres: Tragedy, Crossover, Random, Adventure
Status: Incomplete
Length: 1 Chapter, 2,806 Words
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70715/daring-cry

One response on “The Weekend Reader – December 8th, 2013

  1. Kkat

    Sounds like a Far Cry 3 crossover. (Far Cry 3 features a rich, privileged young man and his partying buddies getting captured by pirates on a lush tropical island. The opening sequence after capture is pretty identical to what you described. The protagonist evolves from “spoiled white boy” to “love-child of Lara Croft and Rambo” over the course of the game.) It’s definitely a fitting crossover setting for Daring Do.

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