The Weekend Reader – February 23rd, 2014

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Morning Glory edition!

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Burn to the Ground
- EMF Scootaloo

No. Way, way, waaay too early to be fawning over Morning Glory, EMF. You have the original Fallout Equestria and countless one-offs to do before you get to the point where you can do that. Think with your head, not with your… yeah. That’s probably going a little too far.

For your information, I didn’t do a Weekend Reader last week because it was my birthday. I got a bunch of clothes. That was it. The past week has been the school holidays. I’ve spent it worshiping Helix Fossil and Bird Jesus and playing Fallout New Vegas. The last one has me tempted to do Fallout Equestria, but duty calls, and I haven’t had anything to make fun of in a while, so…

Anyway, screw rebellion of equestria. Nobody liked that anyway.

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Today I’m setting myself a special objective. I have to mention Morning Glory in every paragraph. It’s all I can do without sacrificing my one-offs for Project Horizons, and why would I do that went Rocktavia may or may not be continuing it some time in the next century, and anyway that would put my reviews off-limits to people who don’t care about wasteland pones. Though it is tempting. Hm…

Methinks it’s poll time.

Anyway, today we’re going to be reviewing something horrendously bad because I haven’t done that since January, or if you don’t count rebellion of equestria, November!

Today’s fanfic is called ‘Blaze’. It was penned by Appledash_scoot. Christ, could you get any more names in there? Might as well have called yourself Appledashlight_pieshyity_scootabellebloom or something. It’s classed as Tragedy/Comedy/Adventure, though I’m not sure how the author is going to fit both Tragedy and Comedy in there while putting lines like this in the description:

“Rainbow ends up in a hospital and holy [MANURE]!”

It’s also under Sex and Gore. Ahah. Part of me wants to warn you guys that this fanfic might contain sex and gore, but the other part of me thinks that any terribly-done sex scenes are just going to add to the story’s comedic value. It won’t be as good as Medusa being at the top of a huge mountain, but it’ll be good to make fun of.

Anyway, let’s do this thing.

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Morning Glory rule comes into effect now.

The first chapter of this fanfic is called ‘New Discoveries’. You guys’ll probably have already made some new discoveries today, like me really liking Morning Glory. I’ve never even read Project Horizons, but I do know she’s cute as hell. Actually, I think I mentioned her being cute as hell back in December. But be honest, you didn’t think it ran THAT deep, did you?

…innuendo. Hey, did you know that Morning Glory is also a term for having an erection first thing on a morning?

Okay, okay, that was probably too hot for TDO. Like Morning Glory. Ahem.

So the first chapter begins with our protagonist, presumably called Blaze, lamenting the fact that she’s a pegasus in Ponyville and should be up living in clouds and being happy soul. She’s basically in a Calamity situation, with the difference being Calamity didn’t have a choice. And that you can’t compare Rainbow Dash to Calamity as the author does with Blaze. Another tomboyish pegasus. How cliché. ‘least Morning Glory isn’t a tomboy. Not that I don’t like tomboys. I mean, I love tomboys. They’re awesome. They’re always my favourite characters without exception. Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, Buttercup in Powerpuff Girls…

With the exceptions of Fallout Equestria universes. Velvet Remedy > LittlePip. Slightly. And Morning Glory > Deus Ex Card Game Pony.

Blaze is surveying the area from the balcony of her house. She looks out towards Carousel Boutique and dismisses it as too girly for her. Christ, this chick might as well have ‘Rainbow Dash clone’ tattoo’d on her forehead. Hey, you’ll be ruing the day you passed up fresh and fancy clothes once the megaspells drop, Blaze. I’m sure Morning Glory wouldn’t pass up a girly dress…

So Blaze sees all of the Elements of Harmony in turn and goes to the home of her biological father. See, Blaze was adopted, but her mother let her keep her birth name and stuff and I can’t critique this because it’s not my field of expertise but I know it’s a cliché. See, that’s what makes Fallout Equestria so great. There are no parentage sub-plots. You wouldn’t see Morning Glory asking Deus Ex Card Game Pony to find her father, would you?

Blaze’s reunion with her biological father is very short and should’ve been expanded on a lot more. Such a thing would be emotional, but there’s absolutely no emotion. Hell, a robotic Morning Glory would show more emotion. Blaze’s father tells her that she’s Rainbow Dash’s twin sister and WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT HOOOOOOOLD ON.

WHY ARE RAINBOW DASH’S PARENTS NOT IN CLOUDSDALE? IT’S NOT LIKE THIS IS FALLOUT EQUESTRIA AND IT GOT HIT BY A MEGASPELL AND NO LONGER EXISTS AND THIS IS MORNING GLORY WHO’S THE PROTAGONIST. RAINBOW DASH IS FROM CLOUDSDALE. IF HER PARENTS WERE IN PONYVILLE, THEY WOULD’VE MADE AN EPISODE ON THE SUBJECT BY NOW. THIS FANFIC IS INACCURATE AND NOT CANON AND I REFUSE TO CONTINUE.

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I’m not even a quarter of the way through this. Pace surpassing pace of Morning Glory on an afternoon stroll starting now.

Blaze goes to get a milkshake to calm her nerves. Instead of going to the milkshake bar or the fast food place from Twilight Time, however, she goes to Applejack’s stall and buys some apples. Or rather, just one apple. Hey, Blaze? I’m not sure if you learned this at school or not, but apples? They’re not milkshakes any more than Morning Glory is a mace.

So Applejack strikes up a conversation and Blaze introduces herself as ‘New’. Literally, she says ‘yeah, I’m New’. The title was a lie. I refuse to continue. I’m going to do Project Horizons now. Seriously. I’m going to go see Morning Glory. Hold on.

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Um… Project Horizons is incredibly fancy. That’s because it has an index page as opposed to Fallout Equestria. It’s also divided up into books. I’m not saying the original isn’t, I’m just saying Somber (the author) makes it obvious where books start and end. It doesn’t make it obvious where I find Morning Glory, though. Here’s the description for Book 1…

“Blackjack, an incompetent security mare from the dystopian Stable 99…”

Whoa, incompetent? I thought she was, like, Calamity-level badass. Okay. I guess I learned something today. She’ll probably need Morning Glory more than LittlePip needs Velvet Remedy, then. Provided Morning Glory is a medic. But I think she is. She looks like Fluttershy a bit.

“…suddenly has her monotonous life turned upside down when the stable is invaded by vicious raiders.”

So she’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, she’ll tell you how she became the Princess of Stable 99. And met Morning Glory.

“In a daring plan to save her home, Blackjack flees the stable with EC-1101, a valuable data file.”

N.B: To save your home, you take the most valuable item in it and abandon it. Remind me to make a joke about that when LittlePip does Trouble On The Homefront. Though I don’t think Calamity did that. Or Morning Glory. Since she’s a Dashite too.

“With an enormous price on her head and a deadly cyberpony out for her blood…”

MORNING GLORY’S MANE, CYBERPONIES?

delete

DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. MORNING GLORY. DELETE.

“The struggle to survive in the blasted ruins of Hoofington tests her resolve and courage to their limits.”

YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIVES INSIDE A… THRILLER, THRILLER, THRILLEEEEEEEEEEEEER! Provided they have lives. For all we know they could be soulless monsters! Even Morning Glory! Also, Hoofington? Does that mean we get to see Trixie? But we already paid a visit to Trixie’s hut in Fallout Equestria! Does this mean…?

boop_by_jasper77wang-d6lh5kv

Eh, probably not. How would they fit that in, eh? Maybe Morning Glory teleports LittlePip to them for a split second before the events of the original Fallout Equestria…

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I now feel well enough to continue ‘Blaze’. So I’m going to do it. I won’t back down again! As Morning Glory is my witness!

So Applejack goes to help Blaze find Rainbow Dash. They find Rainbow Dash and the Blaze and Rainbow have a little sisterly banter. Rainbow Dash challenges Blazing Dash (for that’s her actual name) to a race to a distant mountain, which she accepts. Thus begins the race, which Morning Glory wins.

…if you honestly believed me, you’re silly. No, Morning Glory does not win the race. Before the race starts, Applejack gives Rainbow Dash a kiss on the nose, which leads Blaze to remark that ‘they must be a thing’. Gee, I wonder what Appledash_scoot’s OTP is?

Given the name, I should’ve seen this coming. And given the name of this Reader, y’all should’ve seen my Morning Glory spam coming.

So the whistle blows and Blaze and Rainbow are racing. They zoom around the mountain. Then they go up. The competition hots up, with lightning forming and thunder booming and they even attract a crowd of spectators including Morning Glory. Just kidding, they don’t. Anyhow, they go incredibly fast and both cause Sonic Rainbooms.

Yes. Blaze does a Sonic Rainboom. Not even a Blazeboom. The author’s just that unoriginal. If Appledash_scoot had read Project Horizons before this, I bet he/she would’ve put Morning Glory in.

So they’re all happy because they just pulled off a Double Rainboom, which is something not even Morning Glory and Calamity could’ve pulled off, but then everything changes when the fire nation attacks.

And that’s the end of our story! Shame there wasn’t any Morning Glory.

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Which means it’s analysis time and the part where I stop saying Morning Glory! Finally!

Plot: Nyeh. It’s a typical sue story. New in town. Makes friends with main characters from show instantly. Will probably die for their sins later.

Characters: Nyeh.

Blazing ‘Blaze’ Dash: Uncreative sue. Preferred Sapphire Song, Raven Darkstorm etc.

Other Characters: Applejack had no accent, but that’s okay because it’s a hard accent to put into written words. Rainbow Dash was written all wrong, though; when would you ever hear Rainbow Dash say ‘I think not’? She’s more of a ‘Yeah, I didn’t think so’ mare, or even a ‘No! Because I’m the only flyer ever to pull one off!’ mare.

Spelling and Grammar: Not the worst, but could be better. Mostly issues with capitalisation: ‘AppleJack’, ‘”follow me” she said’ etc., but there are also other mistakes, including the noteworthy ‘What the hell AJ?!?!’ uttered by Rainbow Dash.

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Well, that’s it for today, everyone. Join us next time, where we… still don’t see Morning Glory. Damnit. I can’t even just say ‘screw it’ and do the first chapter of Project Horizons, because I’m sure Rocktavia would’ve mentioned if she was in there. Instead it’s just Deus Ex Card Game pony and PPSh-41…

Story: “Blaze”
Author: Appledash_scoot
Genres: Tragedy, Comedy, Adventure
Status: Incomplete
Length: 1 Chapter; 1,073 Words
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/170752/blaze

Heads up to anyone from the future! I’m obliged to tell you that gore and sex might’ve been added in now. You have been warned.

One Comment
  1. EMF… Holy Celestia’s flaming nethers I would not recommend you read Project Horizons. Just, just. I don’t even know how to explain to you. It’s not a necessarily /bad/ fic. I mean I’ve read the whole thing thus far, but I’ve seen how you react to the original, and it’s very much so mild compared to PH, but of course if you do read it… pls post cause I would want to see your reaction lol.

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